Bernard Shaw: Mrs. Warren's Profession
Mrs. Warren's Profession
Bernard Shaw, 1894
[Mrs Warren's Profession was performed for the first time in the theatre of the New Lyric Club, London, on the 5th and 6th January 1902, with Madge McIntosh as Vivie, Julius Knight as Praed, Fanny Brough as Mrs Warren, Charles Goodhart as Crofts, Harley Granville-Barker as Frank, and Cosmo Stuart as the Reverend Samuel Gardner.]
MRS WARREN [indignantly] Of course not. What sort of mother do you take me for! How could you keep your self-respect in such starvation and slavery? And whats a woman worth? whats life worth? without self-respect! Why am I independent and able to give my daughter a first-rate education, when other women that had just as good opportunities are in the gutter? Because I always knew how to respect myself and control myself. Why is Liz looked up to in a cathedral town? The same reason. Where would we be now if we'd minded the clergyman's foolishness? Scrubbing floors for one and sixpence a day and nothing to look forward to but the workhouse infirmary. Dont you be led astray by people who dont know the world, my girl. The only way for a woman to provide for herself decently is for her to be good to some man that can afford to be good to her. If she's in his own station of life, let her make him marry her; but if she's far beneath him she cant expect it: why should she? it wouldnt be for her own happiness. Ask any lady in London society that has daughters; and she'll tell you the same, except that I tell you straight and she'll tell you crooked. Thats all the difference.
MRS WARREN. Well, of course, dearie, it's only good manners to be ashamed of it: it's expected from a woman. Women have to pretend to feel a great deal that they dont feel. Liz used to be angry with me for plumping out the truth about it. She used to say that when every woman could learn enough from what was going on in the world before her eyes, there was no need to talk about it to her. But then Liz was such a perfect lady! She had the true instinct of it; while I was always a bit of a vulgarian. I used to be so pleased when you sent me your photos to see that you were growing up like Liz: youve just her ladylike, determined way. But I cant stand saying one thing when everyone knows I mean another. Whats the use in such hypocrisy? If people arrange the world that way for women, theres no good pretending it's arranged the other way. No: I never was a bit ashamed really. I consider I had a right to be proud of how we managed everything so respectably, and never had a word against us, and how the girls were so well taken care of. Some of them did very well: one of them married an ambassador. But of course now I darent talk about such things: whatever would they think of us! [She yawns]. Oh dear! I do believe I'm getting sleepy after all. [She stretches herself lazily, thoroughly relieved by her explosion, and placidly ready for her night's rest].
MRS WARREN. I mean that youre throwing away all your chances for nothing. You think that people are what they pretend to be: that the way you were taught at school and college to think right and proper is the way things really are. But it's not: it's all only a pretence, to keep the cowardly slavish common run of people quiet. Do you want to find that out, like other women, at forty, when youve thrown yourself away and lost your chances; or wont you take it in good time now from your own mother, that loves you and swears to you that it's truth: gospel truth? [Urgently] Vivie: the big people, the clever people, the managing people, all know it. They do as I do, and think what I think. I know plenty of them. I know them to speak to, to introduce you to, to make friends of for you. I dont mean anything wrong: thats what you dont understand: your head is full of ignorant ideas about me. What do the people that taught you know about life or about people like me? When did they ever meet me, or speak to me, or let anyone tell them about me? the fools! Would they ever have done anything for you if I hadnt paid them? Havnt I told you that I want you to be respectable? Havnt I brought you up to be respectable? And how can you keep it up without my money and my influence and Lizzie's friends? Cant you see that youre cutting your own throat as well as breaking my heart in turning your back on me?
VIVIE. It would not matter if you did: you would not succeed. [Mrs Warren winces, deeply hurt by the implied indifference towards her affectionate intention. Vivie, neither understanding this nor concerning herself about it, goes on calmly] Mother: you dont at all know the sort of person I am. I dont object to Crofts more than to any other coarsely built man of his class. To tell you the truth, I rather admire him for being strongminded enough to enjoy himself in his own way and make plenty of money instead of living the usual shooting, hunting, dining-out, tailoring, loafing life of his set merely because all the rest do it. And I'm perfectly aware that if I'd been in the same circumstances as my aunt Liz, I'd have done exactly what she did. I dont think I'm more prejudiced or straitlaced than you: I think I'm less. I'm certain I'm less sentimental. I know very well that fashionable morality is all a pretence, and that if I took your money and devoted the rest of my life to spending it fashionably, I might be as worthless and vicious as the silliest woman could possibly be without having a word said to me about it. But I dont want to be worthless. I shouldnt enjoy trotting about the park to advertize my dressmaker and carriage builder, or being bored at the opera to shew off a shopwindowful of diamonds. Wait a moment: Ive not done. Tell me why you continue your business now that you are independent of it. Your sister, you told me, has left all that behind her. Why dont you do the same?
MRS WARREN. Yes, Heaven forgive me, it's true; and you are the only one that ever turned on me. Oh, the injustice of it! the injustice! the injustice! I always wanted to be a good woman. I tried honest work; and I was slave-driven until I cursed the day I ever heard of honest work. I was a good mother; and because I made my daughter a good woman she turns me out as if I were a leper. Oh, if I only had my life to live over again! I'd talk to that lying clergyman in the school. From this time forth, so help me Heaven in my last hour, I'll do wrong and nothing but wrong. And I'll prosper on it.
'Denity Crisis
written by Christopher Durang
written by Christopher Durang
( Jane tells her psychiatrist a story from her childhood.)
Jane: When I was eight years old, someone brought me to this... theatre. Full of lots of other children. We were supposed to be watching a production of "Peter Pan." And I remember that something seemed terribly wrong with the whole production. Odd things kept happening. For instance, when the children would fly, the ropes they were on would just keep breaking ... and the actors would come thumping to the ground and they had to be carried off by stagehands. And there seemed to be an unlimited supply of understudies, to take their places, and then they'd just fall to the ground. And then the crocodile that chases Captain Hook, seemed to be a real crocodile, it wasn't an actor. And at one point it fell off the stage and crushed a couple of kids in the front row. And then some of the understudies came and took their places in the audience. And from scene to scene, Wendy just seemed to get fatter and fatter until finally by the end of act one she was completely immobile and they had to move her off stage with a cart.
You remember how in the second act Tinkerbell drinks some poison that peter is about to drink in order to save him? And then Peter turns to the audience and he says that "Tinkerbell is going to die because not enough people believe in fairies. But if all of you clap your hands real hard to show that you do believe in fairies, maybe she won't die." So, we all started to clap. I clapped so long and so hard that my palms hurt and they even started to bleed I clapped so hard. Then suddenly the actress playing peter pan turned to the audience and she said, "That wasn't enough. You did not clap hard enough. Tinkerbell is dead." And then we all started to cry. The actress stomped off stage and refused to continue with the production. They finally had to lower the curtain. The ushers had to come help us out of the aisles and into the street. I don't think that any of us were ever the same after that experience. It certainly turned me against theatre. And even more damagingly, I think it's warped my total sense of life. I mean nothing seems worth trying if Tinkerbell is just going to die.
Jane: When I was eight years old, someone brought me to this... theatre. Full of lots of other children. We were supposed to be watching a production of "Peter Pan." And I remember that something seemed terribly wrong with the whole production. Odd things kept happening. For instance, when the children would fly, the ropes they were on would just keep breaking ... and the actors would come thumping to the ground and they had to be carried off by stagehands. And there seemed to be an unlimited supply of understudies, to take their places, and then they'd just fall to the ground. And then the crocodile that chases Captain Hook, seemed to be a real crocodile, it wasn't an actor. And at one point it fell off the stage and crushed a couple of kids in the front row. And then some of the understudies came and took their places in the audience. And from scene to scene, Wendy just seemed to get fatter and fatter until finally by the end of act one she was completely immobile and they had to move her off stage with a cart.
You remember how in the second act Tinkerbell drinks some poison that peter is about to drink in order to save him? And then Peter turns to the audience and he says that "Tinkerbell is going to die because not enough people believe in fairies. But if all of you clap your hands real hard to show that you do believe in fairies, maybe she won't die." So, we all started to clap. I clapped so long and so hard that my palms hurt and they even started to bleed I clapped so hard. Then suddenly the actress playing peter pan turned to the audience and she said, "That wasn't enough. You did not clap hard enough. Tinkerbell is dead." And then we all started to cry. The actress stomped off stage and refused to continue with the production. They finally had to lower the curtain. The ushers had to come help us out of the aisles and into the street. I don't think that any of us were ever the same after that experience. It certainly turned me against theatre. And even more damagingly, I think it's warped my total sense of life. I mean nothing seems worth trying if Tinkerbell is just going to die.
Promedy
Written by Wade Bradford
From a new play, Promedy by Wade Bradford, this monologue is delivered by the normally bookish Beatrix Holiday, the 17-year old president of the student body. After her "ex-friend" deviously cancels the prom, Beatrix decides to find a way to bring back the end of the year dance. In this monologue, Beatrix explains to her fellow student why Prom means so much to her.
BEATRIX:
That's not true. Young women need the Prom. It's a rite of passage as sacred as getting your driver's license or buying your first bra. There are only a few things in life that are guaranteed to be glorious and memorable and sparkling with gowns and cummerbunds. Prom is the quintessential teenage experience. Think of the unlucky grown-ups and the elderly who lament the day they decided not to go to the Prom. It is a key ingredient to a happy and meaningful life. Prom is short for Promenade, a slow, gentle walk through a shady glen, and this beloved ceremony symbolizes our journey from the shadows of adolescence to the bright sunshine of the adult world with all its freedoms. And it may be the only chance I'll ever have to dance with a boy. Maybe I'll never have someone get down on their knee and Offer me a diamond ring. Maybe I'll never walk down the aisle with a smug look of bridal triumph. But it is my right, and the right of every plain, frumpy, book-wormish, soon-to-be librarian to have one night of Cinderella magic. Even if we have to go with our cousin, or our gay best friend from tap class, we will have a Prom. And you will help me.
That's not true. Young women need the Prom. It's a rite of passage as sacred as getting your driver's license or buying your first bra. There are only a few things in life that are guaranteed to be glorious and memorable and sparkling with gowns and cummerbunds. Prom is the quintessential teenage experience. Think of the unlucky grown-ups and the elderly who lament the day they decided not to go to the Prom. It is a key ingredient to a happy and meaningful life. Prom is short for Promenade, a slow, gentle walk through a shady glen, and this beloved ceremony symbolizes our journey from the shadows of adolescence to the bright sunshine of the adult world with all its freedoms. And it may be the only chance I'll ever have to dance with a boy. Maybe I'll never have someone get down on their knee and Offer me a diamond ring. Maybe I'll never walk down the aisle with a smug look of bridal triumph. But it is my right, and the right of every plain, frumpy, book-wormish, soon-to-be librarian to have one night of Cinderella magic. Even if we have to go with our cousin, or our gay best friend from tap class, we will have a Prom. And you will help me.
From the play: Tomorrow’s Wish.
Written by Wade Bradfort
CONTEXT: Juniper is a shy young woman with learning disabilities. She lives in a small town with her grandmother, sheltered away from most of the world. In this scene, she is talking to her cousin, Megan, about her first and only kiss.
JUNIPER:
I kissed a boy once. At least I tried.
I don’t know if it counts if they don’t
kiss back. But I tried to kiss a boy and
it almost worked. Most of the time Grandma
and I don’t get to see folks much, but we
go into town. Sometimes. And Grandma says
I just have to be careful to mind my manners,
and Grandma says I’m real good at being careful,
but sometimes I get so bored in that little
town. Only one video store. Only two churches.
And the park only has two swings and a pool
that never gets filled up anymore. But in our
little town there is a boy named Samuel.
He's a bag-boy at the grocery store. He does
it just right and never squishes the eggs.
And he has red hair and green eyes. And…
(Laughs at the memory.)
Freckles all over his face! And Samuel is so
nice. So nice to me and Gram. He would always
smile and always say “thank you” and “your welcome.”
If he says, “Have a nice day,” then you do. That’s
how good he is at his job. And I always wanted…
I always wanted to be close to him, or to talk
to him, without Gram around. And one day when
Grandma had a really bad cold I got to go to the
store all by myself. And I bought some oyster
crackers and some medicine. Then I got to watch
Samuel all by myself. Watch him do his bag boy job.
I just stared and stared, trying to count all of
those handsome freckles. Then, he asked if there
was anything else I wanted. I just whispered “Yes.”
(Pauses, closes eyes in remembrance.)
And then I grabbed him by the ears and MmmmmmmMM!
(Pretends she’s grabbing and kissing him.)
That was my first kiss. It was the most romantic
moment of my life. Until the manager pulled me off of him.
I kissed a boy once. At least I tried.
I don’t know if it counts if they don’t
kiss back. But I tried to kiss a boy and
it almost worked. Most of the time Grandma
and I don’t get to see folks much, but we
go into town. Sometimes. And Grandma says
I just have to be careful to mind my manners,
and Grandma says I’m real good at being careful,
but sometimes I get so bored in that little
town. Only one video store. Only two churches.
And the park only has two swings and a pool
that never gets filled up anymore. But in our
little town there is a boy named Samuel.
He's a bag-boy at the grocery store. He does
it just right and never squishes the eggs.
And he has red hair and green eyes. And…
(Laughs at the memory.)
Freckles all over his face! And Samuel is so
nice. So nice to me and Gram. He would always
smile and always say “thank you” and “your welcome.”
If he says, “Have a nice day,” then you do. That’s
how good he is at his job. And I always wanted…
I always wanted to be close to him, or to talk
to him, without Gram around. And one day when
Grandma had a really bad cold I got to go to the
store all by myself. And I bought some oyster
crackers and some medicine. Then I got to watch
Samuel all by myself. Watch him do his bag boy job.
I just stared and stared, trying to count all of
those handsome freckles. Then, he asked if there
was anything else I wanted. I just whispered “Yes.”
(Pauses, closes eyes in remembrance.)
And then I grabbed him by the ears and MmmmmmmMM!
(Pretends she’s grabbing and kissing him.)
That was my first kiss. It was the most romantic
moment of my life. Until the manager pulled me off of him.
Comedic Female Monologue from "CSI Neverland"
Written by Wade Bradford
CONTEXT: In this outrageous spoof, Neverland's 911 operator deals with some wildly imaginative "emergency situations."
OPERATOR:
Neverland 911, what's the emergency? You are being
kidnapped by pirates? Can you be more specific?
Which pirate is kidnapping you? Well, if he's limping
on a peg-leg then it's probably Long John Silver,
but if he has a hook then it's probably Captain-oh-
He's got a hook and a pegleg? Oh dear. Please hold.
Neverland 911, what's the emergency? Being harassed
by mermaids? How dreadful. Please hold. Neverland
911, how can I help you? Trapped in Skull Cave?
The tide is coming in? Oh my! Please hold. Neverland
911, what's your problem? Your rowboat's falling apart?
And you're being attacked by a tick-tocking crocodile?
Oh you poor dear! Please hold. Neverland 911-Hey
Thumbelina! How you doin' girl? He did?! Why, you
need to dump that Tom Thumb. Uh-huh? Uh-huh? No,
I'm not busy. You tell me all about it!
Neverland 911, what's the emergency? You are being
kidnapped by pirates? Can you be more specific?
Which pirate is kidnapping you? Well, if he's limping
on a peg-leg then it's probably Long John Silver,
but if he has a hook then it's probably Captain-oh-
He's got a hook and a pegleg? Oh dear. Please hold.
Neverland 911, what's the emergency? Being harassed
by mermaids? How dreadful. Please hold. Neverland
911, how can I help you? Trapped in Skull Cave?
The tide is coming in? Oh my! Please hold. Neverland
911, what's your problem? Your rowboat's falling apart?
And you're being attacked by a tick-tocking crocodile?
Oh you poor dear! Please hold. Neverland 911-Hey
Thumbelina! How you doin' girl? He did?! Why, you
need to dump that Tom Thumb. Uh-huh? Uh-huh? No,
I'm not busy. You tell me all about it!
Beatrix's Act Two Monologue from "Promedy"
By Wade Bradford,
This comedic monologue is from Promedy, a teen-age comedy about Senior Prom, written by Wade Bradford. In this scene, Beatrix confronts Dante, an arrogant drama-geek who has been chasing after the girl of his dreams since kindergarten, the lovely cheerleader, Kay Nordstrom. But once Kay finally falls for Dante, he freaks out and tries to run away. Fortunately, his friend and rival Beatrix talks some sense into him.
BEATRIX:
Hold it right there, Dante! I’ve watched you do this all your life, from kindergarten to the twelth grade. But it’s not going to happen tonight. Don’t look at me like that, you know exactly what I’m talking about. Remember first grade? The lunchroom. You’re walking around begging for a chocolate chip cookie. “Oh, I’m little Dante and I’m so sad. My mommy packed nothing but veggies. Oh I wish I had a cookie. Oh if only!” Here, Dante, I said kindly, here’s a chocolate chip cookie, and what did you say? "I’m not hungry." Flash forward. Third grade, playground. It’s the game of tag. You’re it. A hundred kids are running around and you can’t catch a single one. You’re desperate, you’re panting, you’re crying for someone to slow down so that you don’t have to be it anymore. So, feeling sorry for you, because I’m an idiot, I walk right up and say, “Here Dante, I’ll be it. You can tag me.” And you say? "I don’t want to tag you. That’s too easy." Whatever you can’t have, that’s what you want. That’s why you’ve said you were in love with Kay all these years. You knew, deep down that she would never return your affection. And that made things easy and safe. Every time she ignored you, that meant that you’d never have to feel anything real. You’d never have to know what it’s like to have someone who wants to be with you, which meant that you could always be alone. But is that what you want, Dante? Look at her. You’ve been chasing Kay like she was some sort of dream. Well… don’t you want it to come true? Wait, why are you looking at me like that?
Comedic Female Monologue from "Cinema Limbo"
College-bound Vicky is an assistant-manager of a movie theater. Every geeky, dorky employee is attracted to her. Although she is amused by their attraction, she has yet to fall in love.
VICKY:
I’m the kind of girl who takes pity on poor pathetic geeks who have never kissed a girl. Let’s just say that I like someone who is easily trainable – someone who will truly appreciate me. It’s sad, I know. But hey, I’ll take an ego boost wherever I can get it. Unfortunately, these adorably nerdy boyfriends get boring after a while. I mean, I can only listen to their computer games and mathematic equations for so long. Of course, Stuart’s different in a lot ways. He’s terrible at math, for one. And he’s pretty clueless about technology. But he’s a comic book sort of geek. And a hopeless romantic. He’s pre-occupied with holding my hand. Everywhere we go, he wants to hold hands. Even when we’re driving. And he’s got this new pastime. He keeps saying “I love you.” It was so sweet and wonderful the first time he said it. I almost cried, and I’m not the kind of girl who cries easily. But by the end of the week, he must have said “I love you” about five hundred times. And then he starts adding pet names. “I love you, honey bunch.” “I love you sweet-heart.” “I love you my little smoochy-woochy-coochi-koo.” I don’t even know what that last one means. It’s like he’s speaking in some brand-new, love-infected language. Who would have thought romance could be so boring?
I’m the kind of girl who takes pity on poor pathetic geeks who have never kissed a girl. Let’s just say that I like someone who is easily trainable – someone who will truly appreciate me. It’s sad, I know. But hey, I’ll take an ego boost wherever I can get it. Unfortunately, these adorably nerdy boyfriends get boring after a while. I mean, I can only listen to their computer games and mathematic equations for so long. Of course, Stuart’s different in a lot ways. He’s terrible at math, for one. And he’s pretty clueless about technology. But he’s a comic book sort of geek. And a hopeless romantic. He’s pre-occupied with holding my hand. Everywhere we go, he wants to hold hands. Even when we’re driving. And he’s got this new pastime. He keeps saying “I love you.” It was so sweet and wonderful the first time he said it. I almost cried, and I’m not the kind of girl who cries easily. But by the end of the week, he must have said “I love you” about five hundred times. And then he starts adding pet names. “I love you, honey bunch.” “I love you sweet-heart.” “I love you my little smoochy-woochy-coochi-koo.” I don’t even know what that last one means. It’s like he’s speaking in some brand-new, love-infected language. Who would have thought romance could be so boring?
Roller Coaster Monologue - Comedic Female Monologue
By Wade Bradford,
This comedic female monologue is delivered by an outgoing woman named Roxy. Her boyfriend is a roller-coaster fanatic, and also a bit immature. Therefore, she has decided to break up with him, right in the middle of their roller-coaster ride! Although the character sits most of the time, the actress should feel free to add a lot of movement and facial expressions to simulate the ride.
Roxy:
(Getting into her rollercoaster seat.)
(She’s talking to her boyfriend.)
(She’s talking to her boyfriend.)
You and your obsession with rollercoasters.
What’s the name of this one? Oh, “The
Terminatrix.” How nice. Look, Derek, I—
How do I buckle this thing? I got it.
Derek, I think I’ve got enough adrenaline
and funnel cakes in my system, I can finally
tell you what’s in my heart right now.
This might not be the best conversation
to have on the rollercoaster, but if what
I am about to say breaks your heart, you
can just claim that whatever tears might be
in your eyes are due to wind resistance.
What’s the name of this one? Oh, “The
Terminatrix.” How nice. Look, Derek, I—
How do I buckle this thing? I got it.
Derek, I think I’ve got enough adrenaline
and funnel cakes in my system, I can finally
tell you what’s in my heart right now.
This might not be the best conversation
to have on the rollercoaster, but if what
I am about to say breaks your heart, you
can just claim that whatever tears might be
in your eyes are due to wind resistance.
(Leans back – the rollercoaster begins going up.)
Oh – here we go! So, what I’m trying to say…
What am I trying to say? Well, we’ve had a good
year. Almost a year.
What am I trying to say? Well, we’ve had a good
year. Almost a year.
(She leans forward and bounces up and down just a bit to show the bumpy beginning of the roller coaster.)
Ten months and 22 days. Things
started out bumpy. Sort of like this ride.
And I thought we were headed in the same direction.
started out bumpy. Sort of like this ride.
And I thought we were headed in the same direction.
(Leans back again.)
But now it feels like we’ve been traveling on two
different tracks. What? Put my hands in the air?
Okay. (Raises hands in the air.)
But really, Derek, where are we headed?
I feel like I’m ready to take the plunge off of the
Marriage Mountain Splash Ride. And I’m not
afraid to get soaked with commitment. You’d
rather spend your time on the bumper cars.
Sure, it’s fun to bump around, but it gets
pretty meaningless after a while. So, that’s why
I think – oh my gosh, this is high up! Is it
supposed to be this high? It’s safe, right?
Anyway, that’s why I’ve decided – Here goes!
different tracks. What? Put my hands in the air?
Okay. (Raises hands in the air.)
But really, Derek, where are we headed?
I feel like I’m ready to take the plunge off of the
Marriage Mountain Splash Ride. And I’m not
afraid to get soaked with commitment. You’d
rather spend your time on the bumper cars.
Sure, it’s fun to bump around, but it gets
pretty meaningless after a while. So, that’s why
I think – oh my gosh, this is high up! Is it
supposed to be this high? It’s safe, right?
Anyway, that’s why I’ve decided – Here goes!
(The roller coaster drop begins!)
I’m BREAKING UP WITH YOU!!!! AAAAAH!
I THINK WE SHOULD JUST BE FRIENDS!
AND SEE OTHER PEOPLE!!!!
I THINK WE SHOULD JUST BE FRIENDS!
AND SEE OTHER PEOPLE!!!!
Oh my gosh, oh my gosh!
(She leans to the left.)
So, what do you think?!
(She leans to the right.)
What are you doing? What is this?
(She accepts something from him.)
A ring? You want to marry me? Here comes
another one! Whoa, whoa, aaaaaaah!
You’re crazy, Derek! But - Yes!
I’LL MARRY YOU!!!!
another one! Whoa, whoa, aaaaaaah!
You’re crazy, Derek! But - Yes!
I’LL MARRY YOU!!!!
(She lurches to a sudden stop. Catches her breath.)
Let’s do it again!
Cassandra's Rant - Comedic Female Monologue
Parody of Greek Mythology
CONTEXT:
This funny monologue for actresses comes from a one-act play called, "Irony." It is a comic mash-up of various characters and situations of Greek Mythology.
According to ancient legends, Cassandra could predict the future, yet no one ever believed her. In this scene, Cassandra is at a party in the city of Troy. While everyone around her celebrates the marriage of Paris and Helen, Cassandra complains about all of the ominous signs around her by pointing out the ironic behavior of the party guests around her.
CASSANDRA:
No, I am not enjoying the party. Behold poor souls! The fates turn backwards on themselves. There is danger looming ahead. I can see our bleak future. I am doomed to know all of the catastrophes that will befall us, yet no one believes me. Therefore, hark, Paris, Prince of Troy. All is twisted and sour -- and I am not just talking about the fruit punch. Can you not see all of the signs? They are all around us, even as we celebrate. Look there, Hercules the strongest man in the world can break anything, but he cannot break dance. And look here, Hades is the Lord of the Dead, yet he's the life of the party. Sisyphus refuses to rock and roll. Prometheus the Titan gave us the gift of fire, but he's banned smoking. Ares has made peace with the fact that his brother Apollo isn't very bright. Narcissus broke up with himself. Orpheus only speaks the truth, but he plays a lyre. Dionysus is sober but Icarus is high, Poseidon is sloshed and Medusa just got stoned. Atlas is on top of the world. Athena is proud of her humility, and Hermes thinks that hubris belongs on pita bread. Zeus knows everything except how to spell the word omniscient, and Thor -- What the hell is Thor doing here? Midas has the Golden Touch but thanks to Aphrodite he also has a touch of herpes. Medea is offering advice on parenting. Antigone is agreeable. An audience smart enough to understand these jokes is too intelligent to be amused by them. And Oedipus' date looks old enough to be his mother! And what do all these foreboding signs forebode? We are all doomed to die. The Greeks are preparing an attack. They will lay siege to this city and destroy this city and everyone within these walls shall perish by flame and arrow and sword. Oh, and you're out of napkins.
Veronica from "Curse of the Pharaoh's Kiss" - Comedic Female Monologue
Context:
Curse of the Pharaoh's Kiss written by Wade Bradford is a full-length comedy set in 1930s Egypt. It is a comic homage to the Mummy movies and adventures serials of Hollywood's golden age. In this funny monologue for actresses (and actors who don't mind playing a female role), Veronica Melville is trapped in the tomb of an ancient pharaoh. To pass the time, she explains to the sailor she just met, Rodney Gunther, what she looks for in a "perfect man."
VERONICA:
What do I look for in a man? Oh, what every simple woman wants, I suppose. A man who is kind, and who is honest, unless of course his honesty would be unkind, then he should be diplomatic, but still firm, both in integrity and physique. He should be devilishly handsome and angelically humble. And whether it be the rolling seas or the towering skyscrapers, he should love his work, and love it even more when he rushes home to ask how my day has been. The sort of man who can laugh fondly at a memorial service, shed a tear at a wedding, and cry openly after making passionate love. As a lover we would be gentle but rough, ruggedly soft yet delicately rigid. He loves the great outdoors, animals, large families, and pasta. He enjoys wearing sweaters, despises the color aqua-marine, and eats pineapple for breakfast every Sunday morning. He whistles showtunes, donates spare change to organ grinder monkeys, and makes a wish during every lunar eclipse. He has never known the pain of a broken heart, nor has he ever sprained his wrist while moving furniture, though he does suffer from tennis elbow and he gets dreadfully angry at crossword puzzles, and he has has the sweetest smile in the entire world. (Pause.) Oh, and he's rich.
Comedic Female Monologue - Funny Monologue from "Much Ado Out West"
CONTEXT: In this comical Western retelling of Much Ado About Nothing, Betty realizes that despite her stubbornness she’s attracted to her one-time rival, Ben the cowboy.
BETTY:
Ben is in love? With me? I would think
that clucking batch of hens were playing
some kind of trick on me, just making stuff up.
But Aunt Sue… she wouldn’t lie. She’s old. She
wants to make sure she gets into heaven. So it
must be true. Ben loves me. And the others
think that I would shun him. That I would scoff
at him just because the poor guy has feelings for
me. Or that I’d gloat ‘cuz he finds me so beautiful.
I wouldn’t gloat. It ain't his fault I'm so darn
pretty. And I’d never be cruel like that. I don’t
hate Ben. He’s just an ugly and obnoxious rattlesnake
of a cuss, is all. In fact, I don’t even think he’s
that ugly. Fact of the matter is, he’s kinda cute in
his own stupid way. Charming if you think about it.
I guess I like him all right. You might even say I…
oh my word… I’m kinda sweet on him! Why... I...
I love the varmint!
Ben is in love? With me? I would think
that clucking batch of hens were playing
some kind of trick on me, just making stuff up.
But Aunt Sue… she wouldn’t lie. She’s old. She
wants to make sure she gets into heaven. So it
must be true. Ben loves me. And the others
think that I would shun him. That I would scoff
at him just because the poor guy has feelings for
me. Or that I’d gloat ‘cuz he finds me so beautiful.
I wouldn’t gloat. It ain't his fault I'm so darn
pretty. And I’d never be cruel like that. I don’t
hate Ben. He’s just an ugly and obnoxious rattlesnake
of a cuss, is all. In fact, I don’t even think he’s
that ugly. Fact of the matter is, he’s kinda cute in
his own stupid way. Charming if you think about it.
I guess I like him all right. You might even say I…
oh my word… I’m kinda sweet on him! Why... I...
I love the varmint!
Comedic Female Monologue from "Cinderella in New York"
By Wade Bradford,
CONTEXT: Set in New York City during the Great Depression, this reinvention of the classic fairy-tale introduces an interesting twist on the fairy godmother character -- A wise, old homeless woman.
GODMOTHER: (Southern Dialect.)
Now what’s that sound creeping into my old ears?
Ah, it’s just as I feared, a sound this old gal
has heard all too often, knows all too well, in
fact. Ain’t nothing quite like the lonesome wish
of a young, helpless heart. Child, you got a look
on your face like you spent the whole day crying
tears the size of huckleberries. Am I right?
You look like a girl who is crock-full of dreams,
and all of them have gotten squished one way or
another. And now you, you just don’t know what
to do. Yes, indeedy, child, I’ve been watching
out for you, little Cinderella Fitzgerald, and
why you ask? Well, think of me as your fairy
godmother, but without all that magic and witch-
craft. I don’t need a crystal ball to know that
all of your trouble starts with the phrase,
“I met a boy.” Well, honey, your story is
older than the pyramids.
Now what’s that sound creeping into my old ears?
Ah, it’s just as I feared, a sound this old gal
has heard all too often, knows all too well, in
fact. Ain’t nothing quite like the lonesome wish
of a young, helpless heart. Child, you got a look
on your face like you spent the whole day crying
tears the size of huckleberries. Am I right?
You look like a girl who is crock-full of dreams,
and all of them have gotten squished one way or
another. And now you, you just don’t know what
to do. Yes, indeedy, child, I’ve been watching
out for you, little Cinderella Fitzgerald, and
why you ask? Well, think of me as your fairy
godmother, but without all that magic and witch-
craft. I don’t need a crystal ball to know that
all of your trouble starts with the phrase,
“I met a boy.” Well, honey, your story is
older than the pyramids.
Comedic Female Monologue - Angry Librarian Speech
CONTEXT: Brenda Brooks is a snooty librarian who believes that fantasy novels are a complete waste of time. In this scene, she tells a young visitor how she plans to re-organize the library.
BRENDA:
Young man, I am very busy. Would you
please take your gawking eyes and your
bubble-gum belabored jaws elsewhere? When
you return next week, you’ll find some
significant changes have been made.
As the new librarian, I have been placed
in charge of reorganization and redistribution.
And in the process I am removing a few
unnecessary novels. Too much fantasy and
folly can spoil a child’s mind. This library
needs more science and less Dr. Seuss.
More history and less Hogwarts. Children
need academics and not adventures. One
doesn’t get into a university by studying
unicorns. Take this one for example.
“Treasure Island!” It’s a loathsome tale
of filthy dirty pirates. Certainly not
a book for respectable students. And
what about this one? “James and the
Giant Peach”? Preposterous. Even with
modern agricultural techniques, fruit
simply cannot grow to that extreme size.
Silly, silly stuff. Guaranteed to
warp young minds. Now shoo!
Young man, I am very busy. Would you
please take your gawking eyes and your
bubble-gum belabored jaws elsewhere? When
you return next week, you’ll find some
significant changes have been made.
As the new librarian, I have been placed
in charge of reorganization and redistribution.
And in the process I am removing a few
unnecessary novels. Too much fantasy and
folly can spoil a child’s mind. This library
needs more science and less Dr. Seuss.
More history and less Hogwarts. Children
need academics and not adventures. One
doesn’t get into a university by studying
unicorns. Take this one for example.
“Treasure Island!” It’s a loathsome tale
of filthy dirty pirates. Certainly not
a book for respectable students. And
what about this one? “James and the
Giant Peach”? Preposterous. Even with
modern agricultural techniques, fruit
simply cannot grow to that extreme size.
Silly, silly stuff. Guaranteed to
warp young minds. Now shoo!
Mrs. Craig's Monologue
CONTEXT: This monologue is an excerpt from a one-act comedy called "Symbolism." It is written by Wade Bradford. During this scene, Mr. and Mrs. Craig (a middle-class couple in their late 30s or early 40s) are running a garage sale. Not a single customer has arrived, and they are starting to get irritated with each other. Mrs. Craig notices that her husband left soggy Fig Newtons in the ice chest. She decides that Mr. Craig's actions are deeply symbolic. During this monologue, she finds other symbolic objects and actions as she walks from one garage sale item to the next.
MRS. CRAIG: I'll tell you what happened. I woke up earlier than you. I got out the ice chest. I made sandwiches. I washed the rhubarb I had been hiding at the bottom of the fridge as a surprise. And I packed all of those other snacks including your precious fig cookies which I lovingly placed into the ice chest. You ate half of the fig newtons, without offering me a single one. Then, three hours later, when the ice melted, and you noticed them floating there, getting soggy, you just left them there. Do you rescue the Fig Newtons? Do you even tell me what's wrong? No. You just let the Fig Newtons soak. Water-logged and bloated. Left it for me to clean up. And this is a metaphor; this sums up our marriage entirely. You what, Craig? Those Fig Newtons -- that's us. That's our relationship. Now look at this. This pin-wheel you've been keeping in our hope chest, for how long? I know - your prize possession from second grade. The got it the day you rode on the fire truck in the forth of July parade. It's a symbol of your youth. And yes, three years ago I stepped on it. And I broke it in two. By accident. And I put a band-aid on it as a symbol of my love for you. But you don't care. You treat me like this Rubik's Cube with all the stickers torn off. Solid black, so that no matter where I turn or how I arrange myself, I don't even know if I've solved the puzzle. Look at these broken habit trails. These stinky disconnected hamster tubes. This is my soul. I've lost my way, and even if I spent the time putting the pieces back together, it will still smell like hamster urine, and it would still lead to an empty room with a little wheel that spins around to nowhere. Why are you laughing at me?!
Comedic Female Monologue from "Sleeping Beauty and the Beast"
CONTEXT: In this very silly spoof of fairy-tales, a bitter Wicked Witch curses the soon-to-be Sleeping Beauty.
WICKED WITCH:
So, looks like everyone is having a marvelous time. Hello, good to see you. Nice to meet you. Hi there, I’m the Wicked Witch, here’s my card. Let’s do lunch sometime. Ah, and here’s the birthday girl, surrounded by all of these gifts and her good little fairy friends. And here’s King Jonathan and Queen Jessica. You certainly invited a great number of people. But somehow you seemed to have overlooked the one person who could have been your most delightful guest. But no, no, don’t apologize. My feelings are hurt, yes, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t brought along a special gift for the princess. A brand new, never-seen-before, Curse of the Wicked Witch! “For all the tears you’ve made me shed, you’ll prick your finger on something pointy and fall down dead. And if your friends are feeling blue, in just one day they’ll drop dead too!” HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! (Runs off cackling… continues cackling looking for the exit.) How do you get out of this place? Oh – HAHAHAHAHA! (Exits.)
So, looks like everyone is having a marvelous time. Hello, good to see you. Nice to meet you. Hi there, I’m the Wicked Witch, here’s my card. Let’s do lunch sometime. Ah, and here’s the birthday girl, surrounded by all of these gifts and her good little fairy friends. And here’s King Jonathan and Queen Jessica. You certainly invited a great number of people. But somehow you seemed to have overlooked the one person who could have been your most delightful guest. But no, no, don’t apologize. My feelings are hurt, yes, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t brought along a special gift for the princess. A brand new, never-seen-before, Curse of the Wicked Witch! “For all the tears you’ve made me shed, you’ll prick your finger on something pointy and fall down dead. And if your friends are feeling blue, in just one day they’ll drop dead too!” HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! (Runs off cackling… continues cackling looking for the exit.) How do you get out of this place? Oh – HAHAHAHAHA! (Exits.)
Mrs. Claus Dumps Santa - Comedic Female Monologue
This "stand-alone" comedic female monologue features Mrs. Claus breaking up with Santa. It may be used by students, actors, directors for educational or professional purposes. Keep in mind, it's simply a comedy sketch. I'm certain Mrs. Claus would never leave Santa!
MRS. CLAUS: (Writing a letter, speaking the words as she writes.)
To my dear husband. No. Dear Chris. No, no. Dear Nick. Dear St. Nick. No. Dear Mr. Claus. I am so sorry it has come to this. We've been married for over a dozen centuries and yet somehow we've grown apart. Maybe it's the fact that you spend more time with your reindeer than you do with me. Or that you don't feel complete unless you are down in your workshop, slave-driving those poor elves.
(Continues speaking, but no longer writing. Feel free to move about.)
The rest of the world sees you as unceasingly jolly, a constant beacon of merriment. But they don't know the real Claus. Quiet. Sullen. A workaholic who drinks too much eggnog! And what about that bowl full of jelly you call a stomach? Maybe you should spend less time making a list and checking it twice and more time on the treadmill! I'm sorry. I don't mean to lash out. None of these things really matter. They aren't why I'm leaving you. The truth is, I've met someone new. It doesn't matter who it is. All that matters is how I feel when we spend time together, hiding Easter eggs and decorating chocolate rabbits. All that matters is that we're happy. And I truly hope that you can find happiness too. Maybe with the tooth fairy? She's always had a thing for you.
(Returns to writing.)
You have my blessing. Good bye, my husband. I'm leaving this note next to a glass of milk and some cookies for old time's sake. Farewell.
There are so many more in books, it is absolutely ridiculous how this process is going.
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